Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Twin Bathtubs Are Not Sexy


Those Cialis bathtubs are driving me crazy.

Do you know what I'm referring to? I'm referring to those Cialis commercials that I see on CNN and MSNBC all the time. I always feel very young when I watch those two channels, because a lot of the commercials are geared towards people that need some sort of prescription medication for one malady or another, that the young never experience.

I don't need Cialis, nor any of the other drugs featured in the commercials (yet), so it makes me feel younger than I am (I'm 40). Watching a 24-hour news channel is like taking a dip in the Fountain of Youth for me. After all, you don't see Cialis commercials on MTV or VH1.

Cialis is a drug used by men who have erectile dysfunction, which explains why it's on CCN, because if it were on MTV, the drug in-need would be an erectile inhibitor.

And to give you an idea whom these commercials are geared to, there is always a subtitle that says, "See our ad in Golf Digest".

The Cialis spots always show a middle-aged or borderline-elderly man with an attractive woman whom we presume to be his wife. They smile with each other, hold hands, link arms, do some light dancing, maybe they're walking through an open field, hiking in the hills, or strolling barefoot on the beach.

No matter what geographical setting they may be in, they always end up sitting next to each other in separate, but equal, bathtubs. Side-by-side bathtubs. Big, claw-footed, white porcelain bathtubs. Like the ones that Queen Victoria and Prince Albert likely sat in to get themselves in the mood for some hot Victorian sex. How sexy. THAT will get my erection in gear.

Every commercial is a tad bit different... the twin bathtubs could be sitting on the edge of a cliff, offering the couple a panoramic view of a canyon... or they could be on the dock of lake, offering a view of the water... or they could be on the shore, with waves approaching the clawed-feet of the tubs. Last night I saw one where the bathtubs were actually IN the water, like, in a very shallow pond, if I recall correctly... perhaps in the marshlands of Louisiana.

That was really aggravating. Why be sitting in bathtubs when the bathtubs themselves are IN water?!? What's the use? That's like playing in a sandbox in the middle of the desert. It's unnecessary. Why then? Because it's sexier? More romantic?

I mean, last October, I was in Puerto Vallarta Mexico, on the beach, swimming in the water as the sun was setting. It was beautiful, like a Cialis commerical (because it's always sunset on the beach in a Cialis commercial).

However, never once did I want to get out of the warm water of the Pacific with its soft undulations, and get into a BATHTUB on the shoreline. And I was alone. Had I been with someone I loved, I would have wanted to be in the open waters, touching and caressing and embracing as the sun set, not separated by porcelain. Doing it in the open waters, with close bodily contact would make me go from flaccid to erect much more quickly than sitting separately in a tub.

Come to think of it, maybe these fictional men in these commercials don't have erectile dysfunction at all. Maybe they can't get it up because they are really hapless and lacking in good sense when it comes to creating a romantic atmosphere for their wife.

You see, I've taken a bath in a bathtub before, and I know that very soon, the water goes from being very warm to lukewarm, and then to room temperature, which to the body doesn't feel like room temperature, it feels COLD. This can be remedied though, because little drain below the faucet always lets a little water go away, so I keep adding more hot water in the tub to keep the water warm.

But even with doing this, staying in the tub for a long time is not desirable. My fingers and toes start to prune, and the residual soap in the water covers my arms and chest with an unpleasant film. Soon, I open the drain, and wash the soapy water off of me by standing up and turning on the shower. None of this is sexy to me.

Not that having sex in a bathtub with someone is NOT sexy. It can be very sexy, if both of you can comfortably fit in the bathtub. But: you must both be in the SAME BATHTUB. After all, you never see people making out in separate jacuzzis. They are in the same jacuzzi.

But forget romance. Let's talk logistics.

I look at these couples in the commercials, sitting in their bathtubs, out in the middle of Nature, far from any plumbing. Somehow, they must have lugged gallons and gallons of piping hot water to the top of that cliff, or to the middle of that field, or to the edge of that lake, to the shore of that beach. The water HAD to have been piping hot, because once you pour it into the porcelain tubs, OUTDOORS, the water's heat will slowly be taken away by the breeze (or quickly taken away by the wind), so the water will need to be boiling, in order to remain lukewarm for more than 20 minutes.

But let's say these married couples DO somehow transport gallons of boiling water into the great outdoors. Did they at the same time transport the bathtubs? Do you have any idea how much a 6-foot long, 3-foot deep, porcelain, claw-footed bathtub weighs? I don't, but I imagine it weighs a lot. But you don't only have to transport one, you've gotta move TWO out there, along with the water...

...the whole ordeal reminds me of those documentaries about Stonehenge and Easter Island, where the experts try to figure out how those ancient peoples were able to transport those heavy slabs of stone from the quarry to their location. I always feel like the archaelogists in those documentaries. I always think, "How did that ancient couple manage dragging those bathtubs out there?"

And then what? I mean, once you've avoided a hernia and third-degree water burns, then what? You sit in the tub next to your lady love, and look at the ocean... or the lake... or the pond... or the field... or the canyon... or the marshlands... and in 30 minutes, the water is freezing, your fingers look like raisins...

...and your penis is shriveled up.

GOOD THING YOU TOOK THAT CIALIS!

6 comments:

  1. I have no words for your brilliance!! It's like you read my mind.

    Toni

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  2. You've discovered the meaning of the great inscrutable marketing disaster of the century!!! Those stupid bath tubs *must* be intended to show that Cialis will work no matter how awfully unconducive to romance and sex the conditions are! You are a genius to have decoded this great mystery, and I am forever in your debt for explaining this to me! Thank you!!!

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  3. P.S. I arrived here via a referral from Wide Lawns & Narrow Minds today. Can't wait to check out more of your blog. :)

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  4. Aw man! We don't have those commercials in Atlanta, for some reason. We do have Cialis commercials, just not tubby ones. I really like the Valtrex commercials though, where they sing "Livin' the life I waaaaant!". They manage to make having herpes look FUN! As if, now that I got blisters on my vadge and then found this pill that makes them go away, I can FINALLY go camping or get that promotion!". I guess the moral of that story is, it could always be worse? Like, my life seems pretty bad but at least the highlight of my day isn't that there's a new STD medicine on the market.

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  5. Our fav is - and I can't remember the product -the ones with Smilin' Larry and all the smiling women and frowning men around him. Once, at a family dinner, we were discussing this and my husband said, "Look! Even the black lady is smiling!" and we all laughed and my MIL said, "Why is that funny?" No one would tell her. Which made it funnier. Oh dear.

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